I can't breathe.
I don't eat right. I don't sleep right, I'm on a mission to get my Italian figure back, and my world is turned so topsy-turvy, I'm honestly wondering if it will ever be all right again. I've honestly had to sit back and stop myself from saying "I have to go back, I have to get back on a plane, only being there will fix things."
In some respects, I feel like it's true, in some, I feel like it will only hurt me even further.
I only have a year left of schooling. I know that if I went abroad again, I'd be stuck in school for another 2. I'd take classes that I'd want to take, sure, but I wouldn't be doing the right things to just get me out of college, and get me paying back the ever increasing bill.
I have two jobs now. One with my school's library, one with my school's food service. And even though I have those two jobs, it's never enough. I'm fighting every day to pay for things. That ticket that I got back in June? Yeah. 175 smackaroonies. Because I had no money when I came back from Italy, dad had to foot a lot of my school supplies. I currently owe him, probably close to $600. I owe him insurance money, I owe him money for clothes that mom bought for me, because Italy practically destroyed all of my clothes. I owe so much to so many people, I'm never going to catch up.
It's been three and a half months since I got back, and I can't do anything right. Except paint. Somehow, that's really workin' out for me. Aside from that though, I feel like my grades are in the shitter, my life is being dictated by how much money I owe people, and I never have time to just sit, relax, and spend time with the ones I love.
I had a boyfriend. In the three months I've been back. He was great. We never talked, but we did lots of stuff together. Even when I was spending time with him, I was trying to spend time with everyone else. Eventually, I had to come to the realization that we weren't compatible because we never really talked to each other, and our future plans didn't line up. All because I didn't take the time to actually get to know him. I was so worried about keeping him in my life, keeping my best friend in the loop, and making my family happy that I couldn't even get to know the man who told me he loved me. Real nice, right?
Summer is two weeks away. Summer consists of (again) working my ass off. However, summer doesn't include school. I'm so beyond ready for it all to be done so I just have a moment to catch up again. I have projects that I want to work on, paintings I want to do, drawings I want to finish, people I want to photograph, people I want to pay back, family I want to go visit, and places I want to see.
And damnit, I'm going to do it. All of it. And I'll be damned if anybody tries to fucking stop me. I've been there, bitch. I've tasted my freedom, and it was stolen from me as quickly as it was given to me. I went from being free, to being just like every other sucker who has to work for the man. I told myself I wasn't going back to that, but I still had to. Fuck America. Europe is so much better.
Sure, our government is better, and it really isn't that bad, but I was just so damn happy, and all of a sudden, that huge light that was glowing inside of me fizzled out. There isn't even a friggin' pilot light that's just waiting for me to turn the gas back on. I have to get a lighter back out and relight everything. I have to find myself again, and I have to get back to where I was. That's what I'm doing this summer. I was someone over in Italy. I was amazing in Italy. I had it all. I was poor as a piece of concrete, but I had the life.
I told the world to be prepared for the girl who was going to scream out her confidence when she got back, and damnit, I'm doing that this summer. I've got my own agenda. If you want to join me, that's great, but I'm done answering to the man. It's my life. I'm running this joint, and fuck you if you think you're gonna stop me. I don't even know who the hell you are, but I won't let you drag me down. I will travel this summer. I will create this summer, and I will love this summer.
I'm going to work my ass off to get me back to where I was.
Take that, social America. Wanna try to pull me down, and make me another drone? Watch me trample your ass. I'm done.
