Big, slow breaths.

All of a sudden, I feel like a blogging fool.

I used to feel obligated to blog, like I had to post something at least every few days to keep the masses who don't even read this appeased.

Yeah. See that? Pleasing people. Again.

Now, though, I want to blog. For me. I'm going to try not to care what I write, how I write it, or even if I sound like the most emo child on the face of the planet, because ultimately, a blog is like a diary of sorts, isn't it?

I want to try to write from the heart, to just put things down, no matter how personal. From now on, I refuse to feel obligated to write. I'll write when I feel like it, and I'll write what I feel. It'll most likely be some sob story about how horrible my life is, but that's just one day. And sometimes, writing shit down helps me get to the better days.

Today, however, I'm gonna start with an excellent post. :D

My teeth? My teeth have been through hell. I went through four and a half years of braces, got them off, and then my teeth started to shift again. Then they told me they could fix it in six months, by putting braces back on, so I said "okay!" . . . That ended up taking a whole year.

However! Today, August 18th, 2010, my teeth are free! Again! Haha. The braces are off, the retainer (invisalign) is in, and I can go to Italy without looking like a fourteen year old! Yay!

Now that that's been said though, I wanna talk a bit about last night, and yesterday's post.

Got home from work, hung out with a friend. We decided to go see "Eat. Pray. Love." I knew I wanted to see it before I went overseas, because her passion for discovering what was out there just hit so close to home, I needed to hear it from someone else, even though it was a script.

Sure enough, I went to see it, and sure enough, everything that was said in that movie reminded me of why I was going to Italy, why it was so important, and why it was a necessity.

What sparked last night's post though was from a combination of different conversations with different people. Discussing my fears, reassurances from them that it would be alright, but in the end, no matter how much someone tries to tell me it's going to be alright, I can never relax until it is alright. Posting helped. It got some of the stress out, it let me express my fears and get it out of my head.

As soon as I was done typing, I put on some music and proceeded to do my (recently) nightly yoga. Nothing to fancy, just some mountain poses, some stretches, the warrior poses, the cat/cow poses, blah blah blah. This is me pretending to be super suave and know my shit about yoga. Don't be fooled though. I know next to nothing. :)

Anywho, so. I'm sitting there doing my yoga. And usually, I'm really good at the whole, letting things go and focusing on the breathing and just zoning. Normally kinda awesome at it. Not last night though. I simply could not get things to empty out. I was fretting, I was panicking, and no matter how hard I tried to focus on my breathing, I just could not let go.

So you know what I did?

I climbed in my bed. I turned off my light, and laid there. And for the first time in a long time, I prayed. I didn't try deluding myself into the whole "Are you there, God? It's me, Samantha" schpeel, I just opened my mouth and started talking. And again. For the first time, in the longest time, that void? The one that felt like someone punched a whole through my chest? I didn't feel it. I sobbed. I felt like an idiot, sobbing to myself in the darkness of my bedroom (emo much?), but after a while, I didn't care.

What I said isn't important, that's for me and the head honcho's upstairs, but what I felt was so surreal. I'm not super religious person, never really have been. I have my own sets of beliefs, derived from a lot of different religions. I don't pray as often as I should, nor do I give thanks to them as often as I should. I swear. I rant. I bitch. I even judge sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but we're human. Last night though, that was something else. I can't even begin to describe what I felt, all I know is that I felt good.

There are so many things in this world that are just . . . unexplainable. I was able to sleep last night. I got the best night's sleep I've had in a long time, and today, I feel like nothing can stop me. I want to keep going, to keep moving forward. I'm terrified that it's going to end, that something's going to fall apart, but I know I've got a good support system. Friends who love me, family who love me. People who will help glue the pieces back together, even if I do break.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Eat. Pray. Love.

. . . I'm trying.