Oh, money. How you destroy my life.

You know how I said in my first post how I was going to live unbridled? Yeah. It's amazing just how quickly that can all be shot down when the term "money" comes into play.

I've never doubted the fact that the people who generally have more fun are the ones with more money. Simply because they have more of it to throw around and waste on trivial things. When I got here, I had just over $3,500 saved up. Only one month later, and I have $1,100 left in my account.

Yeah. I'm just as suprised as you are.

A week ago (I can't believe it was so short a time, it feels like I've been here for two months already), I ended up sitting down, going through all of my receipts, pulling everything together to see where the hell the money went. 75 euros to this stupid taxi driver who ripped me off. 78 euros for painting supplies. 60 some-odd euros for photo supplies. And then the huge kicker. 868 euros from an invoice that I got from the school. It covered things like the field trips I've signed up for. The Permit of Stay I was required to fill out, course fees, and a museum card (which I'm so grateful to have).

I finally managed to get everything in order, figure out where I was spending my money, and it dawned on me. "I'm friggin' poor. I need a job. Desperately."

Of course, I can't get a job, because my Visa isn't cleared for work, but it only made me realize that in order to pay my father for insurance when I get back, I'm going to need to work twice as hard.

I went to Milan this past weekend. It was Fashion Week. I found a really cute wrap-around cardigan thing and a cute top, for decent prices. And yet when I got back to the apartment, I felt guilty. I didn't need those tops. I just really wanted them to say I bought something in Milan. And then I honestly thought to myself "Well, just don't eat dinner tonight. Skip lunch every other day, it'll help offset the costs."

. . . Yeah. Stupid thought, I know. I'm already not eating that much, and here I am telling myself to eat less to justify buying clothes.

I was freaking out. I was terrified of a comment made to me, that I wasn't going to making through to December at the rate I was going. It was so beyond true. Even though I knew I was going to be getting birthday money, I still wanted to buy shoes. I still wanted to buy a sweatshirt. I still wanted to buy things for my family, I had to plan where we were staying for our UK extravaganza, and above all else, I still had to be able to feed myself.

I was freaking out. This along with other things had just turned me into a mess. I mean, what the fuck. I'm poor.

But then I had two wonderful conversations. The first one with my aunt. I explained to her what had happened, what's going on, and she simply said to me. "Fuck it. Live it up, live your life and make the most of your time there. You're never going to get this opportunity again." I agreed with her, and even without me saying anything more, she said, "You need money? How much? Let me know and we'll make it work." I have a series of rocks in my life. The people who keep me grounded and connected. She's one of them. By far, one of the best women I've ever met in my life.

Even knowing that, that someone out there was willing to help put me at ease, but I still felt bad about having to ask her for money. I explained to her that it wasn't a necessity just yet, that I was going to try to get by as far as I could, and see where I could get, but that the offer meant a lot to me.

Then the invoice came, and I nearly started crying right in the middle of the school.

It wasn't as large of a sum as I was expecting it to be, but 868 euros? That's still pretty damn hefty, considering that's a LOT of food, and a lot of presents.

Finally, I called my mother (via skype), and just started crying about everything. Roommates being shitty, my need for extra funding, and after a while she simply looked at me and said, "Samantha. Don't worry about the money. You're never going to get this opportunity again, even if we do go over together some day. If your father and I need to start putting money in your account, then we will. We'll just keep a running total of how much we give you, and you can pay him back when you come home."

. . . Okay. So. I started balling again. 1 because I felt guilty about having to ask my dad for money. This trip was a big deal for me. It was supposed to be done all on my money. My parents wouldn't have to pay a thing except for the tuition, which made me happy. Secondly, it made me realize something.

I"ve had it so damn easy. I've been living on my parents dime for so damn long. I really am a moocher. Granted, I've been trying to buy a lot of my own stuff recently. Like, I try to buy my own clothes when I can, and I try to buy my own groceries if I'm out on my own.

But seriously?

I want to do more when I get home. I want to show them that this trip has taught me something. I know that they're there to support me when I need them to, but I don't want them to feel obligated to support me until I'm 25. That's not fair to them. For a minute, I just thought of all the different ways I could help them out. Like, give them $100 bucks a month for groceries or something, but even then, I realized it's not enough. My father is putting his neck on the line for me, by footing my college tuition bill for now. If anything, I'm going to work twice as hard just so I can get my own loans paid off faster, and help start paying him back. I've seen the amounts he's pulled out.

And yet I also know how much I can earn in a summer, if I'm smart about it.

It's not impossible, it's just going to take a while.

While I'm here though, I know I need to let go a little. This is Italy. When am I going to get this chance again? Oh. That's right. Never.

Tonight, people are going out. I'm gonna join them, but rather than spend 16 euros on drinks, I'm gonna get smart. Go out, buy a bottle of cheap-ass vodka, a bottle of pineapple juice and pregame like a fool. That way, maybe I only have to spend 8 to keep me going for the night.

I'm not an alcoholic, but damnit, I could sure use a shot a of liquid courage to get that side of me back.

Reevaluation, complete.

More on actual school later, the good, the awesome and the horrible. :)

Ci vediamo. <3