Two decades, nearly gone.

Oh, what do you do when it's mid-term week, and you should be sleeping/working on other things? Yeah. That's right. Like me, you decide to randomly update your blog. Mhm. At almost 2 in the morning.

So what's been on my mind lately? Aside from loving traveling, stressing about school and stressing about having to leave this beautiful place in a month and a half?

Love.

Love between friends. Love between families. Love between two complete strangers.

I've been in love. I know I have. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few people who have had a taste of all aspects of love, without them being in the same case. I've had the best friend who loved dates and spending time with me. I've had the person who couldn't wait to hear from me, wishing for the next time we could talk. I've had the man who worshiped my body, who brought me to new levels of conciousness that I didn't even know where there. I've had the unconditional love, we didn't care what people said, we wanted to be together. Love has no boundaries. Skin color, weight, appearances, love is love. Love really is blind.

I keep trying to accidentally stumble into love. I keep trying to find it, but all in the wrong places. Again, I thought I had chanced upon something special, but now I'm so unsure. Not because I'm skeptical of the person who I found interesting, but because I never know if I'm saying the right things.

Being me . . . it's not easy. Everyone says that, I'm sure. With me though, there's many catches. I'm the girl who likes to go to concerts and scream my head off because I know every damn word that's being sung. I'm the girl who likes to snuggle in bed with a cup of tea/coffee and a good book. I'm the girl who loves going hiking in the wilderness for no reason other than to get some fresh air and pay my respects to the natural beauty that is constantly overlooked. I'm that girl who sits in front of her computer for hours so she can play a video game. I'm that girl who, when nobody's looking, watches japanese cartoons at 2 in the morning, just because she wants to.

I've always gotten the feeling that I'm too strange. Too diverse. They say that being open to new things is good in a person, makes them easy to get along with and such. Is there a possibility though that someone can be too open though? Does that happen?

I want to fall in love. Head over heels in love. I want to be so smitten with my man, and have him be so smitten with me that when we're in the same room, we literally can't see anyone else but each other. I know for a fact that it exists. It's rare, but it exists. I'm also no fool. I know that people try to get married these days, and end up splitting halfway down the road for different reasons. Divorce rates are out the roof these days, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be one of those people who succumb to the growing numbers. Either that, or I'm going to be one of those women who just never gets married.

I know I've already had these fears, and expressed these fears once before, but they're still there. Even after I've been here for a month in a half. I still haven't found my Italian romance, though I've had my fair share of grope-age. Hahaha. There's plenty a beautiful man here, but I also know that I can't exactly take them with me when I leave, so why get super attatched? It's hard, being in such romantic places and not having that someone to share it with.

Two decades old in a week. I can't believe I'm going to be 20.

So much has happened, even in such a small amount of time. I've changed. I know I have. I can feel it.

I may not be as confident as I was planning on being, but I've been putting my neck out there, pushing myself to say things, to try and be more outgoing. It's a slow process, and as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can willingly walk up to anyone, say hi and be completely comfortable with the fact that I just introduced myself to a complete stranger, but I'm trying.

Even bigger than that though, I've accomplished one of the key goals I set out to do. I haven't forgotten you, per say, because I don't think I'll ever will. You meant a lot to me. I have, however, stopped missing you. I've stopped wondering why you never gave me the chance. I've stopped clinging on to the concept of you. It's true, that I'm lonely, and I miss being in love, but not with you. To say any more would be stretching the topic further than it needs to go, but I'm done. I'm finally finished with you, and I couldn't feel any more free if I tried.

My best friend is online right now. I'm officially giving her my undivided attention, because she's worth it, and she deserves it. Then . . . potentially some meditation.

<3