I love when life decides to throw in a surprise.

My life is honestly, amazing.

I'm finally back down to single digits in pant size. I went blonde (I've always been a brunette). This past weekend, I got to spend some amazing time with my girls, and we drank until we were all having problems standing up. It was phenomenal.

Also . . . I met a guy. :)

We've been talking a lot, texting constantly, and though we have yet to set a day for our first date . . . I'm incredibly hopeful. So far, I've talked to him once a night, for three nights straight (I was a weeeee (okay, very) bit drunk for one of them). He told me he likes talking to me.

He lives a bit away, but I'm not worried about it. I have hope. And that's all that matters. :)

When will we learn to act like adults?

College has been an amazing experience. I've grown to befriend some amazing like-minded people who are mature and understand the changes that I'm going through in my life. They also understand that I don't take anyone's shit. If you act like a complete child around me all the time, chances are, you won't be my friend. Or, better yet, if you treat me like a child, you're even worse off.

Something happened recently with friends from high school. I went over to one of their homes, they were having a campfire, and proceeded to pretty much ignore me for most of the night. Instead, they talked to each other (not even including me in their conversations) about work and a vacation that they're going on.

Now, generally, not a big deal. Except, this time, I was invited on that trip, and I had to turn them down. When I was asked if I wanted to go, I would have needed over $700 for airfare, but the rest would have been taken care of.

Crazy, right?

They expected me to have my mind made up and my tickets bought within two weeks of telling me.

Um. How is that being responsible? I'm getting a new car in the fall. I have to make car payments, and put a significant amount of money down on it to get the payments that I want. I also have three jobs. You expect me to tell all my bosses, two weeks in advance, that I'm going to be hightailing it out of there for a whole week? Not to mention, when I was asked, I was already on a week long vacation in Maine?

Again, where's the responsibility in that?

Now, I made up my mind about the trip when I was in Maine. I wasn't going to go, thanks for asking, but it's just really bad timing.

But one of them actually had the balls to say to me, at the campfire, "Sam, I wish I had known . . . I would have subsidized your ticket."


First of all. I don't need fucking handouts. Never have, never will. Especially not for something as frivolous as that shit. I'd rather spend $3,000 of my own hard earned money to go back to Florence then to have you subsidize my ticket for a week long trip.

Secondly, how dare you talk to me about money when your parents kicked you out for FAILING out of college. Did you forget that we were there to pick you back up, and try to turn you the fuck around when your life was nothing but a giant, massive hole of shit? So you've got three jobs now too. Big. Fuckin'. Whoop. No sympathy here.

I have my priorities set. I have my goals, and if you don't fit into them because you're acting like an ass, then you're not going to be a part of my life anymore.

I spent that entire fucking campfire talking to my other friend's brother. And playing with their dog. Nice, right? All because they were so wrapped up in their own little "Why can't we just fuck each other, get it over with, and life will be good?" world.

The last thing I have to say  is this: when I offer to do something with you, it doesn't work out, but then something magically makes it work out again after I've already set my plans . . . why the hell do you think I'm going to bend what my plans already are when you didn't even ask if it was still okay? Especially when the event is a week away? And then you proceed to be mad at me? All because I tell you that it might not work out the way we were planning on it working more than a month ago?

Maybe if it were three weeks ago, sure. But not now. Have your temper tantrum, act like a five year old and ignore me, that's totally fine.

It just means that I'm done. I'm not playing these stupid games anymore. I'm done being treated like a child when you're still children yourselves.

Some people infuriate me.

Life is a shitstorm.

Pretty much. It's up. Its down. It's round and round. It's stressful. It's enlightening. It's curious. It's insanity. It's revelations.

I always have periods in my life where things just seem out of control, if you can't tell by my last few posts. The thing is, I'm not an angry person. I'm a lover. What happens in this blog is generally where I let myself explode before I explode at someone else, and when all is said and written, I look at it, read it, realize that everything will be okay, and move forward.

Lately, things have been calm. In a sorta stress inducing calm. Life has slowed down a bit, while still keeping it's steam-engined pace, accelerating faster than I have time to think. Summer is flying by, but luckily, I still have two whole months to enjoy the sun, bathe in beautiful ocean waters, and live it up.

I'm not worried though. Things are slowly falling into place. It's been a summer of learning, hoping, praying, adventuring, reflecting and renewing.

So, for once, here's a happy blog update, rather than a rant filled one. :)

And all at once, they come surging in.

Emotions.

Fickle little fuckers, aren't they?

See. I've got this thing. This problem. I build walls. Huge walls. I have walls my friends and family don't even realize are there. And why do I have these walls? I've got issues, why the hell else? Not gonna lie, I'm a little screwy. Been through some shit, and some more shit, and yeah, it's help me grow as a human, but it also forced me to build these walls.

Now. Occasionally, someone comes along, and somehow, that someone cracks the codes and gets in. They seem intrigued by the mess that is me, and they care to take a gander. Well. See. The problem is, they don't end up liking what they find, and they high tail it out of here. For some reason or another.

So what happens? Vacuum effect.

They leave this gaping hole, and everything that I was trying to keep out comes rushing in, like I'm some fresh kill that needs to be devoured.

And I know what we're all thinking. "Oh, little Miss Drama. Seriously? More of this emo bullshit?" I'm sorry that this is the only place I feel I can vent like this without being coddled or hurt again, so suck it, and if you don't like what you see, then eff off.

I don't like babying myself. I have this habit of reverting back to my five year old instincts of run to mommy, ask her to kiss it better and everything will be okay. Italy taught me that I can't do that. At the same time though, I don't always know how to deal with emotions. Happiness, I get. Elation, I get. Anger, I get.

There's a lot of grey area though. Sadness. That's big one. That one always takes a while to sink in. Regret. Fuck, that takes months. Safety. I don't even remember how long that takes. Sometimes minutes. Sometimes never.

Anywho. Rambling. It happens when I'm upset.

Basically, I let someone in. Or rather, they got in. I didn't exactly let them in. Honestly, I don't even know how it happened. I never do.

And the horrible part? I can feel them spinning on their heel, getting ready to run.

I thought I had built enough walls to protect myself from this shit, but apparently I didn't build them strong enough. And honestly, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

I'm gonna go clean now.

Bitch Fest, 2011.

I figured I might as well write this blog before heading over to my weight loss blog and posting there. Because on that front, things are going extremely well.

Anywho.

So. Why is it Bitch Fest 2011? Why else would it be. I mean, I didn't wake up this morning to find out that a lot of the hard work I put into make a brochure needed to be changed (yay). I didn't have to pay off a traffic ticket this morning, for $110 (yay). Did I mention that that traffic ticket was pretty much one week's pay for my second job? (again, yay). Oh, and possibly going to Toronto this weekend. Now, what's the downside of that? Oh, I don't know, the fact that I have no money, and we're basically going for hockey (and going for hockey generally requires you to actually enjoy the sport).

I don't know man. Do you ever just feel like you need to strangle something to make things better? It happens to me, rarely, but it happens.

Things have been kinda crazy around these parts. Three jobs. Potential boy who I can't even tell if he's remotely interested . . .

And on that note. I know. I shouldn't be so willing to hold out for him unless he's willing to make an effort . . . but he kinda does. Kinda. You'd have to meet him to understand. He's kinda awesome. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a fruitcake, but we're taking it in strides.

Ugh. Typically, in my AIM/Facebook conversations, this is where I just slam on the keys out of frustration. Looks a little something like this: "ajwe;fiosr;ghadiosfhao;sdiz;sidhEFU:guwersgo;diafhsdifh;w."

Normally, my roomie loves finding actual words in those outbursts, but I don't think she'll find any in that one. Hahaha.

Love how venting cleanses the soul. Still wanna kick something though. Maybe, tonight, I'll do something useful with my aggression, like go out and rip some weeds from the ground. Maybe. We'll have to see if this lingering ick sticks around all day.

We'll see.

The Insanity of Post-Italian Life.

I can't breathe.

I don't eat right. I don't sleep right, I'm on a mission to get my Italian figure back, and my world is turned so topsy-turvy, I'm honestly wondering if it will ever be all right again. I've honestly had to sit back and stop myself from saying "I have to go back, I have to get back on a plane, only being there will fix things."

In some respects, I feel like it's true, in some, I feel like it will only hurt me even further.

I only have a year left of schooling. I know that if I went abroad again, I'd be stuck in school for another 2. I'd take classes that I'd want to take, sure, but I wouldn't be doing the right things to just get me out of college, and get me paying back the ever increasing bill. 

I have two jobs now. One with my school's library, one with my school's food service. And even though I have those two jobs, it's never enough. I'm fighting every day to pay for things. That ticket that I got back in June? Yeah. 175 smackaroonies. Because I had no money when I came back from Italy, dad had to foot a lot of my school supplies. I currently owe him, probably close to $600. I owe him insurance money, I owe him money for clothes that mom bought for me, because Italy practically destroyed all of my clothes. I owe so much to so many people, I'm never going to catch up.

It's been three and a half months since I got back, and I can't do anything right. Except paint. Somehow, that's really workin' out for me. Aside from that though, I feel like my grades are in the shitter, my life is being dictated by how much money I owe people, and I never have time to just sit, relax, and spend time with the ones I love.

I had a boyfriend. In the three months I've been back. He was great. We never talked, but we did lots of stuff together. Even when I was spending time with him, I was trying to spend time with everyone else. Eventually, I had to come to the realization that we weren't compatible because we never really talked to each other, and our future plans didn't line up. All because I didn't take the time to actually get to know him. I was so worried about keeping him in my life, keeping my best friend in the loop, and making my family happy that I couldn't even get to know the man who told me he loved me. Real nice, right?

Summer is two weeks away. Summer consists of (again) working my ass off. However, summer doesn't include school. I'm so beyond ready for it all to be done so I just have a moment to catch up again. I have projects that I want to work on, paintings I want to do, drawings I want to finish, people I want to photograph, people I want to pay back, family I want to go visit, and places I want to see. 

And damnit, I'm going to do it. All of it. And I'll be damned if anybody tries to fucking stop me. I've been there, bitch. I've tasted my freedom, and it was stolen from me as quickly as it was given to me. I went from being free, to being just like every other sucker who has to work for the man. I told myself I wasn't going back to that, but I still had to. Fuck America. Europe is so much better. 

Sure, our government is better, and it really isn't that bad, but I was just so damn happy, and all of a sudden, that huge light that was glowing inside of me fizzled out. There isn't even a friggin' pilot light that's just waiting for me to turn the gas back on. I have to get a lighter back out and relight everything. I have to find myself again, and I have to get back to where I was. That's what I'm doing this summer. I was someone over in Italy. I was amazing in Italy. I had it all. I was poor as a piece of concrete, but I had the life. 

I told the world to be prepared for the girl who was going to scream out her confidence when she got back, and damnit, I'm doing that this summer. I've got my own agenda. If you want to join me, that's great, but I'm done answering to the man. It's my life. I'm running this joint, and fuck you if you think you're gonna stop me. I don't even know who the hell you are, but I won't let you drag me down. I will travel this summer. I will create this summer, and I will love this summer. 

I'm going to work my ass off to get me back to where I was. 

Take that, social America. Wanna try to pull me down, and make me another drone? Watch me trample your ass. I'm done. 

So much to do, so little time.

We're down to the final stretch in this grand Italian adventure . . . I've been here for almost three and a half months, and I only have fifteen days left. At first, I felt really bad about not blogging about my experiences, seeing as my roommate has been religiously updating hers. After a few moments though, I realized that no matter what happens, the things that I've experienced in this time and place were for me, just as blogging is. Now has come a time, however, when I feel it's right to blog. Not out of necessity for those readers who happen to be perusing the internet, but for me.

These past three months have been everything for me. So much so that I'm honestly not even sure how I feel about going back home. Well. Not true. I know pretty damn well. I'm terrified, I'm excited, I'm depressed, I'm relieved, I'm torn. Absolutely torn.

I want to go back, I want to leave my immature, obnoxious roommates behind and live my life without them. I'm excited to see my family, I know I'm going to cry once I land in the airport. My mother doesn't even look like herself anymore, she's lost so much weight (I'm really proud of her for that). I miss my dog. So much. I keep seeing dogs around Florence, running around all happy, and then I'll have a Skype date with my mother, and my pathetic 7 pound poodle will be sitting there, not sure where my voice is coming from, but perking up every time he hears me call him "Boober." I miss my dad. I miss my sister. I miss my mother, but I'm terrified of what's going to happen when I get back home.

I'm terrified of being stuck. I'm terrified of reverting back to the same clamshell that I was. I'm terrified I'm going to be content with where I am, that I won't want to be out and about, I'll just want to stay at home and do nothing. I'm still terrified that I'm not going to be outgoing enough to make the first move, to say hello, and put myself out there.

You know. I was hit on. Several times by many different men of many different ages. I even had a drink bought for me. Granted, he was old and kinda a creeper, but if I could get a free Bulmer's out of him, I was just gonna go with it until I was done drinking said Bulmer's and then peace out.

My point? Something clearly has changed in me. I don't know if it's physical, or mental or what, but something's changed, and I know that if I put myself out there, something can happen.

And as much as it pains me to think about my fears of going back home, I'm excited at the same time to show the States what I've become. I know I've grown. I know I've changed, and I can't wait to show everyone who I am.

I've never been so confident in myself as an artist. People can say they love your work time and time again, and that's all good. But when you can stand in a room full of other artists and actually say "Wow. This is something" . . . It's a good feeling. I nailed this last assignment. I can draw. I can paint. And if I do say so myself, I'm pretty damn good at it. I may never sell a painting in my entire life, but the point is, I know I have the ability to create good work. And this? This has only made me more excited to go back home and work on the thousands of ideas that I've been keeping bottled up this entire semester, not to mention finish projects that I have at home. My art, just like blogging, is for me. When I start working, sure, there will be compromises and comissions, but when it comes down to it, I will always find time for myself and my art, because that is how it should be.

I've also never realized how important music is in my life. I've always talked about how I can't live without music, but I never really understood that feeling until these past three months. For this entire time, I was without a piano. I came across one once and was able to play . . . it was one of the most heavenly feelings in this entire world. I can't play worth crap. It takes me months to figure out one decent length song and I get frustrated every single time I try and try to get something right. I never realized however, how much of a stress reliever that was for me. How soothing and therapeutic. Almost as therapeutic as putting a pencil to paper and just letting the images flow. I'm dying to get back home to my piano, so I can sit at that old organ bench and annoy the crap out of my parents with my thumping and inability to hear them while I have my headphones plugged in.

The piano though is only one part of it. The director of the art program came up to me one day and asked me what the meaning of my final project was. Honestly, I had no clue. I managed to whip out some bullshit answer that made sense and made her look good in front of the tour group she had with her, but in my explanation, I told her about how art isn't really about the meaning for me. And I know that's a horrible thing to say for an artist, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to people. When I draw, I honestly don't know the meaning behind it. Rarely do I ever draw with the intent to make my viewers feel something specific, or have some underlying drama that I feel I need to share. Normally what ends up happening is I'll hear something. Normally it's a song. And normally, what ends up happening is I see something. It could be for a split second, or it could last, and play out like a mini-movie in my mind . . . almost like someone put a transparent movie screen over my eyes. Sometimes, it flits by and the next thought enters my head like some crazy attention deficit child who can't keep anything straight.

And then sometimes? Sometimes it's stuck. Sometimes it's for an hour. Sometimes it's for a day. Sometimes, it's for weeks, almost as it it's burned into my cerebellum. It's those images that normally make it to paper. The ones that burn themselves so deeply that I literally cannot think, cannot sleep until I've gotten them down. And what's the meaning behind that? I have no clue. If anyone wants to analyze it, feel free.

Again though, the point is, I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. What's the fun in life if everything is figured out? I already have so much of that done, why do I need to have that figured out?

That's the other thing I've realized. Not only that I'm an exeptional artist, or that music plays a much bigger part in my life that I ever realized, but also that so many people waste time planning out the next fifty years of their lives that they don't take time to live in the moment.

Do not get me wrong. I most certainly am one of those people, but it's one of the things that I'm still gradually working on changing. Not everything has to be figured out. I don't have to know where I want to live when I'm done with college. I don't have to know what I want to do with my life after school. So long as I can support myself, get by, live a happy life and not be a burden on people, why does it matter? I have dreams, aspirations, but they have nothing to do with knowing what I want to do. Will I work as hard as I can to achieve them? Hell yes! Will I think before throwing my life down a completely different path? Of course I will, I'm not stupid. What I won't do, however, is let those dreams and aspirations plan out the next 40 years of my life. I'm still young. I want to live in the here and now too while I still have the chance.

I feel like I had so many more revelations (and I know I have), but it's currently 2:08 in the morning, and my poor brain is shot to shit.

So, basically, shorthand? I don't know what's going on with my life right now. I'm ready to go, but at the same time, I'm not. I suppose I'll just have to start looking forward to the next adventure.

. . . Anyone wanna teach me Japanese?

Two decades, nearly gone.

Oh, what do you do when it's mid-term week, and you should be sleeping/working on other things? Yeah. That's right. Like me, you decide to randomly update your blog. Mhm. At almost 2 in the morning.

So what's been on my mind lately? Aside from loving traveling, stressing about school and stressing about having to leave this beautiful place in a month and a half?

Love.

Love between friends. Love between families. Love between two complete strangers.

I've been in love. I know I have. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few people who have had a taste of all aspects of love, without them being in the same case. I've had the best friend who loved dates and spending time with me. I've had the person who couldn't wait to hear from me, wishing for the next time we could talk. I've had the man who worshiped my body, who brought me to new levels of conciousness that I didn't even know where there. I've had the unconditional love, we didn't care what people said, we wanted to be together. Love has no boundaries. Skin color, weight, appearances, love is love. Love really is blind.

I keep trying to accidentally stumble into love. I keep trying to find it, but all in the wrong places. Again, I thought I had chanced upon something special, but now I'm so unsure. Not because I'm skeptical of the person who I found interesting, but because I never know if I'm saying the right things.

Being me . . . it's not easy. Everyone says that, I'm sure. With me though, there's many catches. I'm the girl who likes to go to concerts and scream my head off because I know every damn word that's being sung. I'm the girl who likes to snuggle in bed with a cup of tea/coffee and a good book. I'm the girl who loves going hiking in the wilderness for no reason other than to get some fresh air and pay my respects to the natural beauty that is constantly overlooked. I'm that girl who sits in front of her computer for hours so she can play a video game. I'm that girl who, when nobody's looking, watches japanese cartoons at 2 in the morning, just because she wants to.

I've always gotten the feeling that I'm too strange. Too diverse. They say that being open to new things is good in a person, makes them easy to get along with and such. Is there a possibility though that someone can be too open though? Does that happen?

I want to fall in love. Head over heels in love. I want to be so smitten with my man, and have him be so smitten with me that when we're in the same room, we literally can't see anyone else but each other. I know for a fact that it exists. It's rare, but it exists. I'm also no fool. I know that people try to get married these days, and end up splitting halfway down the road for different reasons. Divorce rates are out the roof these days, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be one of those people who succumb to the growing numbers. Either that, or I'm going to be one of those women who just never gets married.

I know I've already had these fears, and expressed these fears once before, but they're still there. Even after I've been here for a month in a half. I still haven't found my Italian romance, though I've had my fair share of grope-age. Hahaha. There's plenty a beautiful man here, but I also know that I can't exactly take them with me when I leave, so why get super attatched? It's hard, being in such romantic places and not having that someone to share it with.

Two decades old in a week. I can't believe I'm going to be 20.

So much has happened, even in such a small amount of time. I've changed. I know I have. I can feel it.

I may not be as confident as I was planning on being, but I've been putting my neck out there, pushing myself to say things, to try and be more outgoing. It's a slow process, and as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can willingly walk up to anyone, say hi and be completely comfortable with the fact that I just introduced myself to a complete stranger, but I'm trying.

Even bigger than that though, I've accomplished one of the key goals I set out to do. I haven't forgotten you, per say, because I don't think I'll ever will. You meant a lot to me. I have, however, stopped missing you. I've stopped wondering why you never gave me the chance. I've stopped clinging on to the concept of you. It's true, that I'm lonely, and I miss being in love, but not with you. To say any more would be stretching the topic further than it needs to go, but I'm done. I'm finally finished with you, and I couldn't feel any more free if I tried.

My best friend is online right now. I'm officially giving her my undivided attention, because she's worth it, and she deserves it. Then . . . potentially some meditation.

<3

Oh, money. How you destroy my life.

You know how I said in my first post how I was going to live unbridled? Yeah. It's amazing just how quickly that can all be shot down when the term "money" comes into play.

I've never doubted the fact that the people who generally have more fun are the ones with more money. Simply because they have more of it to throw around and waste on trivial things. When I got here, I had just over $3,500 saved up. Only one month later, and I have $1,100 left in my account.

Yeah. I'm just as suprised as you are.

A week ago (I can't believe it was so short a time, it feels like I've been here for two months already), I ended up sitting down, going through all of my receipts, pulling everything together to see where the hell the money went. 75 euros to this stupid taxi driver who ripped me off. 78 euros for painting supplies. 60 some-odd euros for photo supplies. And then the huge kicker. 868 euros from an invoice that I got from the school. It covered things like the field trips I've signed up for. The Permit of Stay I was required to fill out, course fees, and a museum card (which I'm so grateful to have).

I finally managed to get everything in order, figure out where I was spending my money, and it dawned on me. "I'm friggin' poor. I need a job. Desperately."

Of course, I can't get a job, because my Visa isn't cleared for work, but it only made me realize that in order to pay my father for insurance when I get back, I'm going to need to work twice as hard.

I went to Milan this past weekend. It was Fashion Week. I found a really cute wrap-around cardigan thing and a cute top, for decent prices. And yet when I got back to the apartment, I felt guilty. I didn't need those tops. I just really wanted them to say I bought something in Milan. And then I honestly thought to myself "Well, just don't eat dinner tonight. Skip lunch every other day, it'll help offset the costs."

. . . Yeah. Stupid thought, I know. I'm already not eating that much, and here I am telling myself to eat less to justify buying clothes.

I was freaking out. I was terrified of a comment made to me, that I wasn't going to making through to December at the rate I was going. It was so beyond true. Even though I knew I was going to be getting birthday money, I still wanted to buy shoes. I still wanted to buy a sweatshirt. I still wanted to buy things for my family, I had to plan where we were staying for our UK extravaganza, and above all else, I still had to be able to feed myself.

I was freaking out. This along with other things had just turned me into a mess. I mean, what the fuck. I'm poor.

But then I had two wonderful conversations. The first one with my aunt. I explained to her what had happened, what's going on, and she simply said to me. "Fuck it. Live it up, live your life and make the most of your time there. You're never going to get this opportunity again." I agreed with her, and even without me saying anything more, she said, "You need money? How much? Let me know and we'll make it work." I have a series of rocks in my life. The people who keep me grounded and connected. She's one of them. By far, one of the best women I've ever met in my life.

Even knowing that, that someone out there was willing to help put me at ease, but I still felt bad about having to ask her for money. I explained to her that it wasn't a necessity just yet, that I was going to try to get by as far as I could, and see where I could get, but that the offer meant a lot to me.

Then the invoice came, and I nearly started crying right in the middle of the school.

It wasn't as large of a sum as I was expecting it to be, but 868 euros? That's still pretty damn hefty, considering that's a LOT of food, and a lot of presents.

Finally, I called my mother (via skype), and just started crying about everything. Roommates being shitty, my need for extra funding, and after a while she simply looked at me and said, "Samantha. Don't worry about the money. You're never going to get this opportunity again, even if we do go over together some day. If your father and I need to start putting money in your account, then we will. We'll just keep a running total of how much we give you, and you can pay him back when you come home."

. . . Okay. So. I started balling again. 1 because I felt guilty about having to ask my dad for money. This trip was a big deal for me. It was supposed to be done all on my money. My parents wouldn't have to pay a thing except for the tuition, which made me happy. Secondly, it made me realize something.

I"ve had it so damn easy. I've been living on my parents dime for so damn long. I really am a moocher. Granted, I've been trying to buy a lot of my own stuff recently. Like, I try to buy my own clothes when I can, and I try to buy my own groceries if I'm out on my own.

But seriously?

I want to do more when I get home. I want to show them that this trip has taught me something. I know that they're there to support me when I need them to, but I don't want them to feel obligated to support me until I'm 25. That's not fair to them. For a minute, I just thought of all the different ways I could help them out. Like, give them $100 bucks a month for groceries or something, but even then, I realized it's not enough. My father is putting his neck on the line for me, by footing my college tuition bill for now. If anything, I'm going to work twice as hard just so I can get my own loans paid off faster, and help start paying him back. I've seen the amounts he's pulled out.

And yet I also know how much I can earn in a summer, if I'm smart about it.

It's not impossible, it's just going to take a while.

While I'm here though, I know I need to let go a little. This is Italy. When am I going to get this chance again? Oh. That's right. Never.

Tonight, people are going out. I'm gonna join them, but rather than spend 16 euros on drinks, I'm gonna get smart. Go out, buy a bottle of cheap-ass vodka, a bottle of pineapple juice and pregame like a fool. That way, maybe I only have to spend 8 to keep me going for the night.

I'm not an alcoholic, but damnit, I could sure use a shot a of liquid courage to get that side of me back.

Reevaluation, complete.

More on actual school later, the good, the awesome and the horrible. :)

Ci vediamo. <3

And the good days just keep getting better.

I simply adore how I absolutely cannot fall asleep at 2 in the morning. It's flippin' wonderful.

Sarcasm? Actually, not. I really do love being the only person up. My favorite time of the day is when everyone has already gone to bed, and I can roam freely.

I hate silence. I honestly do, but I love listening. Granted, people who know me well may not think this, because once you get me going, I have the habit of not being able to shut up. In reality, however, when nobody's around, I find myself so content and happy. Exactly like I feel right now. I'm in Florence, of all places, and I can hear everything.

Cars and motorcycles are screaming by my window, even at 2 in the morning. It's noise, without being overwhelming. Nobody's screaming. Nobody's music is swaying my emotions. I don't feel forced into conversation, I don't feel awkward being left out of one. I don't have to worry about people judging me for how I spend my time. I'm free to do whatever it is my heart pleases, and at this very moment, I'm choosing to blog.

I'm slowly trying to come out of my shell. Though I will admit, a shot of liquid courage helps quite a bit.

I had the most interesting experience last night. For the very first time, I went to a nightclub, I drank, I danced, and I even let myself get a little freaky on the dance floor.

Yeah. That's right. Oh, italian men, you certainly do know how to push a girl's buttons.

I promised myself that I'd let go, that I'd live unbridled, and fuck, last night was certainly the beginning of a whole new side of me.

Buzzed enough to not give a damn, but not drunk enough to forget when to say "No."

Last night's adventures caused me to have a little revelation today. For the past two years, I've worked my ass off. Literally. I used to eat a lot of crap that wasn't good for me. In quantities that make me sick to even think about. At one point in time, I weighed 196 pounds. At 5'4". I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. I hated my body, I hated myself, I hated anyone who made me feel like the typical fat chick, and I was constantly blaming people for the way I was.

In all honesty though, the only person I had to blame was myself.

I've always been chunky. Ever since I can remember, but once I hit middle school, subject was just thrown out of proportion. You know those people who just eat their emotions? Yeah. That was me. I'd eat when I was depressed. I'd eat when I was bored. I'd eat because I was hungry, I'd eat just so I could eat. And then my 16th birthday came around.

I was going to have an amazing party. Masquerade themed. I ended up finding a dress online for 75 bucks. Absolutely gorgeous dress. It got to my doorstep and it was slightly too small. So what did I do? Diet, of course. Only problem was that all I ate was fucking salad. For two months, I ate salad and swam like a beast to fit into that dress. The party was flippin' amazing though. And that dress fit me like a glove. It was perfect.

Two months later though, things weren't so perfect. Of course, I started eating like a normal human being again, and then I started eating all the things I missed eating while dieting. Soon, I was back to my old habits, and those 10 pounds I lost came right back, and even invited their friends to the party, adding another 10 pounds.

They weren't kidding when they say it comes back double.

After high school though, I told myself I was done being "the fat chick." I was sick of having all of these beautiful, skinny friends. I wanted to be them. At the very least, I promised myself that I would not gain the "Freshman Fifteen." Though I didn't go to the gym as often as I should have, I did manage to keep the weight off, and in fact, lost a few pounds. It wasn't anything super magical, but it was a start.

The real kicker was when I took a nutrition course the following fall.

Talk about scare tactics. I'd never been more afraid of being overweight in my life.

From one semester, I ended up shedding about 20 pounds. Another semester, another 15 pounds. A summer, 10 pounds.

I currently stand at 5'4". And I weigh approximately (the last chance I had to check was before I left for Italy) 150 pounds. I'm not perfect, by any means. I still don't like parts of my body, but in two years I went from a size 18 jean to a size 6.

So where the hell is this all going? Why the hell did I just ramble out a whole story about how I've got body image issues?

Because last night, for the first time in a very long time. I felt sexy. Not in a "Oh, I feel nice, I should take a picture while it lasts" way. I felt genuinely sexy. Someone wanted me. So badly that even when I went to go get another drink, got separated for a good 20 minutes, he came looking for me. Granted. I know he was probably just as smashed as I was, if not more. It doesn't change the fact though that he made me feel like that penny that was abandoned on the pavement, that someone decided to pick up and stick in their pocket for good luck. We did things on that dance floor that would make my mother blush, and would make my father want to lock me in my room, but I don't give a shit.

I'm twenty years old, damn it. I'm in the prime of my life, I'm in one of the most beautiful cities on this earth, and if I want to go to a nightclub and make out with a complete stranger on the dance floor, then fuck yes, I'm going to. If that makes me a slut, then fine. Whatever. I'm a slut. So shoot me.

I woke up this morning feeling sexy. I walked the streets feeling sexy. It's amazing what a little bit of attention can do to a woman's slowly decreasing esteem.

American men are idiots. Never knowing what's there until it's gone. Foreign men live it up, when they see something they want, they go after it. It's almost like a hunt. They know how to play this game, and slowly, they're teaching me.

The chase is on.

And I want in.

Though this post is (finally) ending, my saga's just beginning. The taste of freedom I got last night has sparked something completely new, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to feed that flame. Off to rock some friggin' awesome yoga and then head to bed.

Live it up, you never know when it's all gonna come crashing down again.

Oh, the fretting and insanity.

Sorry guys, I'm not currently sitting in my underwear right now. I do have them on, but they are accompanied by a wonderful pair of yoga pants this time.

. . . Not that it matters. Haha.

Today was the first official day of classes, and you know what? I looked friggin' adorable. I had on this cute vintage-looking dress from American Eagle, these adorable ballet flats and a cute black cardigan. My first class was Garment Construction, followed by Italian.

And holy shit, I couldn't have been more miserable.

You would have thought that it was the first day of classes, everything was going to be beautiful, going over syllabi and the basics of the classroom. Yeah. No.

Garment construction consisted of sitting there, going over the syllabus, (vaguely) going over how to use a sewing machine, introducing us to the dress form and important seams and looking at some Italian designers. After that though, we took a break, and then proceeded to walk over hill and dale to a fashion book store where we got to look at a super expensive Trend Forecast book and then get our first few supplies for the class.

Now, you're curious, no? How could that be a bad start to a day?

First of all, machines. I know how to use mine. Incredibly well. I also know how to use the Singer that they have in the studio. Incredibly well. Fuck, I even know how to use a surger already. It almost killed me when the teacher painstakingly went over every single detail about the machine. And she's doing it again on Monday.

So your next question is probably something like, "Well. Why don't you just drop the class, or ask her if she can give you more advanced projects?"

1. Because I'm a chicken shit.
2. I don't want her telling me "Well. You don't know this, or this, or this."

I mean, I didn't know everything about the dress form. That part was useful. And getting to know Italian fashion was kinda fun. However, I've come to the conclusion that "Ready to wear" Armani, Versace and Ferrè are not for me. Especially Versace. Ew.

I mean, come on; wool, vinyl, cotton and leather, all in one outfit? Goodness gracious, Donatella, choose like, two and stick with it! And the color choices were horrifying. A borderline neon shade of periwinkle with black and brown. Oh, yeah. Those were chaps, by the way. Effin' chaps. Who the hell wears chaps?

As soon as we started walking, I was even more miserable. I had no idea we were going halfway across the city to find this little shop. The shoes I wore were not meant for walking distances in. They were meant for going to school and coming back. I have thusly decided that they are no longer practical, and therefore, I must throw them away. However, I shall not do so until I buy myself a cute pair of comfortable Italian flats.

So we get to this store, and she has us sit down. All she keeps talking about is this name brand designer, and that name brand designer. I signed up for this class so that I could figure out how to make my own clothes, not to gossip about these overpriced (tasteless, in my opinion), snobs. The last thing I wanted to do was spend five euros on a series of Italian Vogue, when I honestly wasn't even sure I wanted to stay in the damn class. Then we had to walk to this little shop where I had to deposit another six euros for scissors and chalk. Wtf, man. Wtf.

Oh. And then we got to book it back to school. We were across town, it was 3:50, and we had to be there at 4 for our next class. I currently have two lovely blisters, and scabs on my heels where my shoes decided to tear away the blisters that were there and constantly rub. I wasn't happy. At all. If that wasn't already obvious. Haha.

Salvation came from a lovely woman named Matilda (Matilde? we can't figure it out). She is the Italian professor. She's down to earth, real about the language, and very understanding. Not to mention a blast to just hang out with. She did, however, propose that we go walking (again) to a bookstore down the road and around a corner. I wasn't too happy about that, but I did end up finding out that one of her favorite books is The Count of Monte Cristo. Way to go, Matilda/e, you just earned yourself a gold star.

What I came to realize though, is that this day had so much potential, and yet, I let it slip away because I was far too focused on the pain radiating from my feet to notice anything else. Some of the stuff from Enrica's (Garment Construction professor) class actually was interesting, and after actually cracking open the huge packet of Vogue magazines, I've learned to discover that my likings may not be towards Versace, Armani and Ferrè, but Haute Couture? That's where it's at.

I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted. Thinking in two languages is difficult enough. Fighting with yourself in two different languages is just about torture. However. I am about to do yoga, and I am about to kick ass at doing the little bits that I know, because I know that in the end, today was just another little bump in the road.

Yesterday, oh, yesterday was amazing.

It finally felt real. All of it. It finally hit me.

I woke up at about 9-ish. Rolled out of bed. Showered, put on clothes, that whole shindig. I then proceeded to go to the market, all by me onsies. Florence is such a beautiful city. I got peaches, an onion and some more mozzarella. Then I proceeded to walk back, make fresh marinara sauce, and get it in the fridge just in time to go finish the sketcbook we had started to make during orientation on Monday.

I finished my sketchbook and walked back to the apartment. I then proceeded to have a nutella and jelly sandwich along with some yogurt. After that, I took a blissful nap. A solid hour of such deep sleep, I almost didn't want to get up. I did, however, and went to Italian, where we all decided to walk to the other side of town again to get tickets to the opera. Unfortunately, we came too late, and though we had a number, they were only on 28 when we left, closed in a half an hour, and we were like, 41. They were calling a number every 3 minutes or so.

When we were in the process of walking back, Matilda/e wasn't sure what to do, so she simply looked at us and asked the most heavenly question:

". . . Do you guys want to get some ice cream?"

We did, and it was wonderful. By far the best gellato I've had yet. Hayden and I have even decided that if we want gellato, we're going to work for it. The place we went to is on the other side of the river, but it only costs a euro-fitty for what normally costs either two euros or two-fitty. On top of that, the flavor was just so rich, and so creamy . . . I'm salivating right now just thinking about it. It's insane. If I wasn't so tired, I'd hoof it across town to get me some. I had chocolate orange (ciocoaranciata) and strawberry cheesecake (formaggia di torta con fragola). Hayd ended up getting dark chocolate (fiondantè) and caramel cream (cremcaramel). Dear lord. Yum. Yum yum yum.

Sitting outside that little gellateria . . . it was so blissful. I was so happy. I was sitting in the middle of Florence, staring at the Arno River, Ponte Vecchio to my right, in the birthplace of my Great-great grandmother. Granted, I don't know if she was born in Florence, exactly, but she was definitely born in Italy.

As we walked across the river to get back to the apartment, it just kept hitting me in waves. All throughout our trek back, I had to hold back tears. I clutched my hand to my chest, and again, that feeling of emptiness was gone. In fact, I felt like my heart was overflowing with emotions. I felt like every step I took, I was connected to her, connected to my past. I want more days like that. More days of abundant respect and love for my heritage.

With tonight's yoga routine, I'm letting go of all of my worries today. I'm not going to think about the 90 euros I have to spend tomorrow on painting supplies. I'm not going to think about the 200 euros it's going to cost me to get to Greece and back. I'm not going to think about the huge invoice that's coming my way for the field trips, course fees and my museum card.

Today's fretting is going out the window, and I'm making room for another wonderful night of sleep, along with another wonderful day of classes.

Volere è potere.
If you wish it, it will be so.
~Some German dude that Matilda/e told us about.

Buona notte, i miei amici.

I. Am. Currently. Sitting in my underwear. Yup. In the middle of my Florentine apartment. Listening to Coldplay mixed with the rush of nightlife that's insanely alive at midnight. It's strange, this foreign land. It screams of NYC, while having such an age that makes NYC pale in comparison. It's beautiful, without a doubt. I've been here for just over a week, and I've already taken over 200 photographs that simply fail to capture the beauty that surrounds me. They'll be wonderful for memories, but they'll be nothing like the real thing.

I can already hear myself calling this home.

There's a pond across the street. A public market within a half an hour walk. No driving, lots of walking. My feet hurt every day before I go to bed, but I adore it. I need more of it. I actually had to stop and remind myself several times that I have four months here. It's not like I'm leaving on Sunday. Part of it scares me, knowing that already a week has just flown by, knowing that the four months is going to fly just as quickly. For the last three nights, I've pretty much laid in bed, being a total nerdbag watching Sailor Moon.

Yeah.

I'm in Italy, and what the fuck am I doing? Hiding. Brilliant.

I feel like nothing has changed. I keep waiting for this moment when everything's going to hit me, and I'm going to realize what my true purpose in life is, but I also know that it's an unrealistic expectation. I thought that being so disconnected would be perfect. It was until we got internet. All of a sudden, I find myself falling into the same patterns all over again.

Oh. Nothing to do? Why don't you check Facebook. How about your email? Have you checked that lately?

And then I realize, it's the same fucking deal, day in and day out. The only email I get is from my professors, or crap from school. And the only messages I get on Facebook are from people who comment on my pictures. "Oh, hope you're having a wonderful time! It looks beautiful!"

. . . Nothing about "How are things? Are you surviving? Are you taking care of yourself? What about your room mates, are they nice?" It only then makes me wonder, was I already so disconnected from my friends and family before I left? To the point where nobody cares to ask how things are? I flew 4200 miles, and the only person who's talked to me about it is my mother. Who, bless her soul, can't help but miss me every damn day. Clinically depressed now. Partially because of me leaving, partially because of all the shit that happened this summer. Told me again, on Skype that she'd rather die than fight off this thing. And she said it so matter-of-fact-ly. Like, "Oh, yeah. I still wanna die. Nbd."

I didn't want to have to worry about that shit overseas. I wanted to get away from it all, but it's following me.

I always feel like such horrible child when my room mates talk about their families, and how close they are. How someone wants their mother to call them back. How someone's mother helped them put all their papers in order.

I had to figure all this shit out on my own, bitches. From start to finish, I didn't have mommy or daddy holding my hand. And damn it, I'm fucking proud of that. I drove my ass to work every morning. I made the money to get my ass here. I put all of my paperwork together, I made sure it was in order, I made sure I had five copies of everything. I paid for my passport myself. I paid for my housing deposit by myself. And I'm still paying. For everything. By myself. It scares me to think that I might not have enough, and I may have to ask my parents for money. I don't want to do that. I want to be grown up, make the right decisions, and know how to budget. Even if it means living on nutella and jelly sandwiches.

Have I grown up too much though? To the point where nothing matters anymore, and I'm just stuck in middle-class society where all I can think about is how I spend my money and how I don't want to be stuck?

We made sketchbooks in orientation today. It was nice. I chose this beautiful grey and white almost baroque looking flower pattern, with a Burgundy binding. It's really pretty. I thought that it would finally spark something in me to get a little more creative, to get everything flowing in the direction that it's supposed to be going, but it didn't.

It was just another thing to add to the piles of crap I have at home.

I want to be cut out for this lifestyle. I do. But I can't help but feel like I'm not. So many of my room mates can't wait to start creating. To start the next process of their adventure. I'm still waiting to be inspired. I guess I'm still waiting to let go. To have that moment where everything comes to a complete halt, and I have my moment of "Well shit. This is what it's all supposed to feel like? What the fuck have I been doing with my life?"

I'm caught between fantasy and reality right now. There's so much that I dream of happening, but it's like I'm incapable of actually making them happen. Where's my change? Where's my adventure? Where's my whirlwind romance? Where the fuck is my life going?

I need classes to start. This entire past week has felt like nothing but a vacation. A beautiful, blissful vacation. I need to start creating again, I need to remember why I came here, and why this trip was so important. Right now, I'm trapped in fantasy. It's like I'm on some Hollywood set, and any day now, they're gonna pull all the facades down, and I'll be back in Rochester. It still hasn't sunk in completely that I'm in Italy.

All my life, I've been waiting to get here. Now, here I am. So what the fuck am I waiting for now?

Where's the unbridled beast that I promised to unleash on the city?

All I know is that I need to find her.

Fast.

And so the adventure begins.

I feel like one of the most exhausted people on the face of the planet, and right now it's overriding every other emotion. Haha. I still haven't completely grasped the fact that I'm in ITALY of all places. It's ridiculous.

The flight in was alright. I haven't been on a plane since I was five years old, so I don't remember anything about flying. I had the sappy little "Oh, dad, I ruv you" moment right before boarding, but as soon as I got through security, all was fine. The takeoff was a little scary, but exciting at the same time. And turbulence freaked me the fuck out, especially when we were sitting in a solid 10 minutes of it over the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah. Not so fun.

Landing in Dublin was fun, but man, is it a little dump. They're doing renovations, so that'll be nice, but seriously, when I got there, I was like "Wow. This is . . . special." It was strange though. As soon as I got through security (again), and made my way to my flight, everything was so pretty and nice, with all the shops like in JFK. Strangest little thing ever.

And then, the flight out of Dublin was actually nicer than the flight in. Seriously. We were on a smaller, older, crappier plane, but the seats were more comfortable, the stewardesses were nicer, and the view was absolutely beautiful (I'm writing this from the school, but we're going to have internet in our apartment soon, so I'll come back and post pictures). I am in LOVE with flying now. Only thing I'm not particularly a fan of is the Jet Lag. Hahaha.

The flight into Rome was good, but getting out of the airport was not. I got scammed by a damn gypsy taxi. Dude ripped me off 75 euros to drive me around Rome and drop me off at the airport. Was NOT happy. And then nothing made sense at the train station, cost me another 44 euros to get a ticket from Rome to Florence. I mean, I expected that, but I still was pissed about how much money I was spending and I hadn't even gotten to Florence yet. Nobody spoke English, which was understandable, seeing as I was the outsider, but still frustrating.

Even just sitting on the train, I felt better. Just knowing I was out of Rome. Knowing that as soon as I got into a (marked) taxi and got to the school, then someone would be there. And I would be okay.

Sure enough, got to the school, was walked to the apartment, got situated, got showered, got unpacked and went out to dinner with the new roomies. :)

We went to this little place right down the road to the apartment. I got fettuccine with salmon and zucchini. It was super yummy, and the dude kept just bringing us stuff. DUDE. I tried chicken pate. It actually wasn't bad. Looked like cat food. Smelled like tuna. Interesting, but not bad. Most of the table got some good ol' vino. I had glass, but towards the end, it was just . . . ew. I wish I liked wine more. You know, being in wine country and all. However, after that, got back to the room, hit the mattress and passed the flip out. Like a rock (be proud of me, I stayed up until 10, Italy time). Woke up once in the middle of the night, but I don't know why. Ended up just rolling back over and sleeping.

Woke up at 7, got dressed, met up with all the roomies again and went on an adventure to find some groceries! Hello yogurt and nutella/jelly sandwiches for the next few months! :D

. . . It was cheapest. I mean, I got some milk too, and got some pasta, but yeah, mostly I'm sticking to Nutella and jelly sandwiches. It was so strange. At il centro (the grocery store), they had peanut butter, but it was like, three times the price of the nutella. So. Yeah. No thanks. And hello. Chocolate and hazelnut are far superior to overly sweetened peanuts. Clearly.

I'm exhausted. Beyond exhaustion. Sitting at orientation. I felt bad. We're sitting with the Chief of Police, going over how to be safe, and my eyes were having so much trouble staying open. I paid attention as best as I could, but I SO need a nap. I know I didn't miss anything, I'm just hella tired.

And good morning caffeine withdrawal. I thought I'd be okay, but apparently, not so much. My head hurts, I'm exhausted and I was even a little nauseous during the meeting. I'm praying that by the time orientation week's over, so will the withdrawal be, and I can have some coffee in the morning without my sanity depending on five cups a day. Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Just before I forget, because I'm going to talk about all of my food eating experiences while I'm here: for lunch (for 2.50 euros), I had this huge sandwich. It was tomato, lettuce, and fresh mozzarella on focaccia with a little bit of olive oil and some spices. Oooooh, lordy, it was yummy. Very yummy. And just what I needed. Now I just need to make it through the rest of orientation today, and take a nap. Haha.

Excited about making my own sketchbook though. :D

This chica doesn't know what else to say right now. So I'm peacin' out. Hopefully, next time I do this, it'll be from the comfort of my own bed. :)

Ciao!

Wtf. It's only 11.

I am currently sitting in my bed, still in my PJ's, still waking up. However, I've been sitting in my bed, still in my PJ's, waking up for about 10 minutes now. It always sucks to be woken up by the constant ringing of the telephone and the hollering of your 65 year old hard of hearing grandmother because even though we can hear her just fine, she thinks she needs to yell at us. Seriously. My door is closed, and I can hear her loud and clear. Not exactly my ideal wake-up call. [/rant]

I woke up this morning feeling very strange. Not quite happy, not quite scared, not quite stressed . . . just strange. Immediately, things started filling my head. Like the fact that I needed to go to Rite Aid and pick up mom's pills. And then right after that, 'well, since I'm up, showered and out, maybe I should go to Sears to get a passport holder' and then 'crap, I still need to call the bank about currency,' to 'this is so much money, and dad still hasn't ordered my battery for my laptop, wtf.'

And then, for some strange reason, I started thinking about everything that's still not finished around here. I've got an art piece that I wanted to finish weeks ago, but with work and trying to get all of my loose ends tied up, I never got around to finishing it. It's probably going to have to wait until I get back. Then there's the matter of my room. Most of my furniture is still sitting out in the garage, waiting for the final coat of spray paint. I have no clue when that's going to be happening, but dad promised he'd have it finished before I left (. . . time's running out, dad).

My room's a mess. My going-away projects aren't finished. I have four days left before I leave for NYC. I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. Groggy from waking up, clearly. My head hurts. Is it possible to stress in your sleep? I mean, I didn't have any strange dreams or anything, but maybe I was stressing about everything while I was sleeping, and that's why I feel so high strung right now. It's not like a panic attack, it's just, this constant feeling that it can't actually be happening. It all has seemed far too easy.

Why am I such a cynic, waiting for something to go wrong? I should be thankful, but I'm fearful that somewhere, some piece of paperwork isn't signed. That I'm going to get to JFK, or worse, Rome, and they're gonna look at me and say "Oh. Wait. You can't be here. You didn't finish this stateside."

I need to have a day to chill, away from my house, away from my family. Is it lame to go see a movie by yourself? I kinda want to. I don't even know. I'm freaking out, and I've only been up for an hour, if that. Maybe I need some yoga. Maybe.

Ramblings and such.

You know. I was gonna blog earlier, about how crappy my day was going, how I didn't understand how things could be wonderful, and horrible the next. I'm actually really glad I waited though. I went from having a super crappy day, to feeling bad for gabbing a friend's ears of while venting, to feeling completely unsure of myself and lastly, loved and heard.

I've been trying this thing. Where if I feel like something's bothering me, I just talk. And talking leads to asking, and questioning, and eventually, it just all comes around to "please, give me a sign." How many times have we all honestly asked for that? It seems like it's in every Hollywood movie, in every book, and in every song. Normally someone's crying. All by their onesies in a dark room with the rain pouring down the window, or in the bathroom with the door shut, sitting on the floor.

Oh. Wait. Never mind, just described myself. Bahaha.  Oh, and putting an end to my sad emo choices.

Anywho. So I'm sitting in my car, just conversing about all the shit that's gone down over the past two days. And I was honestly curious as to whether or not I was even being heard. I mean, think about it. How many people, in this entire world, do you think talk to the same dude in one second? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of them, and a lot of them are in more need of his attention then me. Then I started thinking, even if I was heard, and I was being guided, how the hell would I know? There's so much that we control these days. Streetlights are on timers, and an automated app can start your car (is that actually out there?). It's like we've lost the magic of it all. People are so hellbent on figuring out how it works so they can duplicate it that they lose sight of the world around us, how beautiful it naturally is.

. . . And that's a different post. Haha.

Point is. How do you know? How.

I experienced something today that was so surreal, I honestly don't know how to explain it without sounding like a crazed person who went to one of those super spiritual churches, got hit on the forehead with the bible, and started crying out about all the new revelations they had in a five second time span. Again. Hollywood. Sorry. Wow, media sucks.

All I know is that currently? I believe. I believe more than I ever did, something is out there. Someone is listening, and even though I may not think I need them, they'll always be there, waiting for me to ask them a question, and tell them my secrets (thank you Coldplay). It made me feel so much better. I cried, but I cried happy tears. I actually felt reassured, for once in my life. Maybe I'm reading too much into it (there I go doubting everything again), but honestly, does it matter how I see it? The point is, what happened, happened. Those feelings were real, life is about interpretations.

So let's go back to the start. Let's rewind, refresh, and renew. Italy couldn't get here any sooner.

Big, slow breaths.

All of a sudden, I feel like a blogging fool.

I used to feel obligated to blog, like I had to post something at least every few days to keep the masses who don't even read this appeased.

Yeah. See that? Pleasing people. Again.

Now, though, I want to blog. For me. I'm going to try not to care what I write, how I write it, or even if I sound like the most emo child on the face of the planet, because ultimately, a blog is like a diary of sorts, isn't it?

I want to try to write from the heart, to just put things down, no matter how personal. From now on, I refuse to feel obligated to write. I'll write when I feel like it, and I'll write what I feel. It'll most likely be some sob story about how horrible my life is, but that's just one day. And sometimes, writing shit down helps me get to the better days.

Today, however, I'm gonna start with an excellent post. :D

My teeth? My teeth have been through hell. I went through four and a half years of braces, got them off, and then my teeth started to shift again. Then they told me they could fix it in six months, by putting braces back on, so I said "okay!" . . . That ended up taking a whole year.

However! Today, August 18th, 2010, my teeth are free! Again! Haha. The braces are off, the retainer (invisalign) is in, and I can go to Italy without looking like a fourteen year old! Yay!

Now that that's been said though, I wanna talk a bit about last night, and yesterday's post.

Got home from work, hung out with a friend. We decided to go see "Eat. Pray. Love." I knew I wanted to see it before I went overseas, because her passion for discovering what was out there just hit so close to home, I needed to hear it from someone else, even though it was a script.

Sure enough, I went to see it, and sure enough, everything that was said in that movie reminded me of why I was going to Italy, why it was so important, and why it was a necessity.

What sparked last night's post though was from a combination of different conversations with different people. Discussing my fears, reassurances from them that it would be alright, but in the end, no matter how much someone tries to tell me it's going to be alright, I can never relax until it is alright. Posting helped. It got some of the stress out, it let me express my fears and get it out of my head.

As soon as I was done typing, I put on some music and proceeded to do my (recently) nightly yoga. Nothing to fancy, just some mountain poses, some stretches, the warrior poses, the cat/cow poses, blah blah blah. This is me pretending to be super suave and know my shit about yoga. Don't be fooled though. I know next to nothing. :)

Anywho, so. I'm sitting there doing my yoga. And usually, I'm really good at the whole, letting things go and focusing on the breathing and just zoning. Normally kinda awesome at it. Not last night though. I simply could not get things to empty out. I was fretting, I was panicking, and no matter how hard I tried to focus on my breathing, I just could not let go.

So you know what I did?

I climbed in my bed. I turned off my light, and laid there. And for the first time in a long time, I prayed. I didn't try deluding myself into the whole "Are you there, God? It's me, Samantha" schpeel, I just opened my mouth and started talking. And again. For the first time, in the longest time, that void? The one that felt like someone punched a whole through my chest? I didn't feel it. I sobbed. I felt like an idiot, sobbing to myself in the darkness of my bedroom (emo much?), but after a while, I didn't care.

What I said isn't important, that's for me and the head honcho's upstairs, but what I felt was so surreal. I'm not super religious person, never really have been. I have my own sets of beliefs, derived from a lot of different religions. I don't pray as often as I should, nor do I give thanks to them as often as I should. I swear. I rant. I bitch. I even judge sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but we're human. Last night though, that was something else. I can't even begin to describe what I felt, all I know is that I felt good.

There are so many things in this world that are just . . . unexplainable. I was able to sleep last night. I got the best night's sleep I've had in a long time, and today, I feel like nothing can stop me. I want to keep going, to keep moving forward. I'm terrified that it's going to end, that something's going to fall apart, but I know I've got a good support system. Friends who love me, family who love me. People who will help glue the pieces back together, even if I do break.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Eat. Pray. Love.

. . . I'm trying.

Revelations.

You know. They always say "it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I have a very honest question.

What if you don't know how to play the game?

A new chapter of my life is about to begin, I'm going to Italy for three and a half months in eleven days, and I'm terrified. You'd think it be about the stuff like 'well, my family's here. I'm going to miss them', 'how will I manage over there without my friends?' or 'will I really be able to pack all of that in one suitcase?' But it's not. In fact, I haven't even started packing my suitcase yet, and I can't wait to have practically no internet connection, because it'll give me the opportunity to see what's out there. I can't wait to get away from everything, yet I have no clue what I'm doing.

What I'm honestly terrified about is changing. Not changing, exactly, but a lack of change.

My entire life, up until this point, has been about pleasing someone else. Always. My mother once told me that I was a selfish person, that I only thought about myself, but in all honesty, she was one of the main culprits of my constant need to appease people. Please don't misunderstand me, I love my mother, dearly, but she never gives me the chance to miss her. I've hurt people. Time and time again, because I was always trying to please someone else, focusing too much energy on that other force, and not enough on certain ones. It's cost me dearly, but I'm finally putting my foot down, damn it. For once, in my life, I am going to be selfish.

I'm going away. For three and a half months. I'm going to take every waking second that I possibly can to discover the me that I don't even know. I've made vows of rediscovery, almost every year and every summer I do. Each time, I learn a little bit about myself, but this time, this is different.

I only really know one side of my family. My italian side. I'm only an eighth, but with the family I grew up in, you'd never know it. Hell, my last name even looks italian, though it's 100 percent polish. The thought of being over there, being where my history is, being where my ancestors lived and thrived, it honestly brings me to tears. I want to drink it in. I want to see what they saw, I want to understand what they loved. I want to be able to come back, visit my great-great grandmother's grave, kneel before her and thank her for the life she has given me, for the doors she has opened, and for showing me her beautiful home. I never knew her. She died just before I was born, but sometimes, I honestly feel like she's here with me. Helping me stay true to my beliefs, just like she did.

I need this trip. I need to get out of here. I need to reconnect. I need to rediscover. I need to let go. I need to grow.

And deep down, I'm terrified it will never happen. I'm terrified that I'll leave this country, come back, and be the same exact person that I was when I left. I'm terrified I'll be the same mouse of a girl who can't stand up to her parents, even when I know something isn't right. I'm terrifed that I'm going to be stuck in New York for my entire life, never knowing what the rest of the country looks like. I'm terrified I'll never be loved in the way I know I have loved others. I'm terrified that I'll never have the opportunity to talk to him, to profess my undying love, to marry him, and to start a beautiful family with him, whoever he may be. I fear that my ultimate goal of becoming a mother will never be fulfilled.

All such petty fears, all stemming from one trip. It's ridiculous, but I can't help the fears that haunt me at night.

I'm terrified that even though I might be given the whirlwind romance that I crave, I may never be able to stop comparing whoever he is to you.

That's right. This is taking that turn, because ultimately, this is what has been tormenting me the most. I loved you. With all of my heart, I loved you. You filled that void in my chest that still feels physically there. You stole my heart, you locked it in a chest and you threw away the damn key, refusing to give it back. I waited for you. Even when I lied to myself, and said I was through, I waited for you. Even when I told myself I could let you go, that I could live the life I was meant to live, I couldn't help but compare them all to you. How you did it, I'll never know, and clearly, you won't either, because you never let me love you. You never gave me the chance. I could have rocked your mother-fucking world, but she was right. You're a coward. I want to loathe you. I do. But in the end, I can't help but want you. I want to keep you, to be your friend, but it's torture. I give you miles, you give me inches. You're not worth my time, but you still have that key, buried in stages of your own life. I want it back, damn it. I want to let you go. I want to move on as you clearly have.

And as soon as I get on that plane, I want to forget you. I want to forget why I loved you. I want to forget the reasons why I devoted so much of my time to you. I need this trip, because I need to forget you. I need to forget a lot of things. I need my freedom back.

And I'll be damned if I let anyone hold me down.

For the next three and a half months, I'm making a promise to myself. I will live freely. Unbridled and untamed. I will let the world see the me that was meant to be seen, not the me that you all wanted to see, not the me that you all wanted to fit into your cookie-cutter lifestyle. I am a unique individual. I will find the beauty in all of this, and I will do my best to live each moment to the fullest while keeping everything in check and being safe. For the next three months, I'm shedding my reservations.

All I can say, is this: Italy? Bring it on, bitch. I'm ready.